How to Deal with Splitting due to Borderline Personality Disorder in Romantic Relationships

How to Deal with Splitting due to Borderline Personality Disorder in Romantic Relationships

What is Splitting?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), is a complex disorder that causes serious suffering not only for the individual with the personality disorder, but for family and friends that care for that individual, as well. Splitting is especially difficult for both of the individuals involved in a romantic relationship. The individual that does not have BPD, may feel that they are walking on egg shells and do not know how the partner with BPD may feel about them at any given moment. At the same time it is also difficult for the partner with BPD, because they are unconsciously splitting and do not know what is making them feel the way they do. Splitting also pulls the ground out from beneath the partner with BPD, and most of the time they are not aware that they are splitting. 

In her article, “Dyadic Splitting in Partner Relational Disorders”, Siegel, explains that splitting is usually looked at as an unconscious defense which is involved in psychic development (2006). Splitting is used as a shield to protect from an overwhelming intrapsychic world (Siegel, 2006). Individuals who split, either see the world as all good or all bad. Therefore, people are also seen as all good and all bad, and many times the individual affected by BPD devalue or idolize their romantic partners (Siegel, 2006). This change from idolizing to devaluing can occur at any moment and several times throughout the relationship. Therefore, the relationship becomes a roller coaster for both the individual with BPD and their partner. In such instances, it is necessary to have ways to cope and deal with the situation, so that it does not escalate and is controlled as much as possible. An example of splitting is the BPD partner telling their partner they love them so much one day and within a day telling their partner they hate them and never want to see them again.

How to Deal with Splitting in a Romantic Relationship 

Try to Develop Empathy

When a partner splits in a romantic relationship, it can be a very testing time. It is easy to blame the partner with BPD, as being manipulative and calculating, but it necessary to see that they are not doing these behaviors on purpose (Salters, 2016). Rather, the BPD partner is acting this way, because they have an intense emotional world that is difficult to control. Therefore, thinking about this and developing some understanding about where they are coming from can help to somewhat deescalate the conflict.

Try to Control Own Behavior

It is easy to be angry and resentful towards a partner with BPD, when they split, because there might be a lot of family conflict and stress. It is difficult and sometimes impossible to control other people’s behaviors, but it is always possible to control our own behavior (Salters, 2016). When using this way to deal with splitting it is necessary to be cognizant that yelling and screaming is not going to help, but most probably will make the issue much worse. Therefore, it is necessary to keep calm, and control emotions as they come.

Remind the Partner with BPD that You Care

A huge part of having BPD, involves having a strong fear of rejection and abandonment, therefore it can help to remind the partner that they are cared for (Salters, 2016). This statement of care,  may reduce the splitting behavior. 

Remember to Communicate

Although, it may be difficult it is necessary to keep the lines of communication open with the individual with BPD (Salters, 2016). It is necessary to express concerns, by using statements that do not blame or point fingers. This is easy to do with, “I statements”. 

Setting Boundaries and Limits 

It is very easy to get sucked into taking care of a loved one with BPD, and forgetting about ourselves. This is very counterproductive behavior, because if the partner without BPD cannot take care of themselves they cannot help the family and partner conflict that is occurring. It is also necessary for the partner without BPD to voice to the partner with BPD what is not acceptable when the partner splits (Salters, 2016). An example is if the BPD partner says that they hate the partner without BPD, the partner without BPD can tell the BPD partner that they will not accept this type of behavior, if they feel so. This will make expectations clear for the BPD partner, and sometimes change behavior. 

References 

Salters, K. (2016, March 05). What Can I Do to Help a Friend With BPD Struggling With Splitting?           Retrieved March 14, 2016, from http://bpd.about.com/od/forfamilyandfriends/a/ splitfam.htm

Siegel, J. P. (2006). Dyadic splitting in partner relational disorders. Journal Of Family Psychology,              20(3), 418-422. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.20.3.418

Classic Family Dynamic that Causes Borderline Personality Disorder

The common scenario for individuals who have BPD, is that either one or both of their parents had a personality disorder (Weaver & Clum, 1993). This leads the child to learn maladaptive coping skills, such as their parents and to continue this cycle of personality disorders with their children, as well. A classic scenario is with one parent having borderline personality disorder and another parent having a narcissistic personality (Weaver & Clum, 1993). It is common for a narcissistic individual to be attracted to an individual with BPD, because the individual with BPD will praise their partner greatly in the beginning stages of a relationship. The narcissistic partner will love this praise, and eventually will become arrogant and demeaning towards the BPD partner. Then the partner with BPD, will become outraged and devalue the the narcissistic partner. Which in turn will have the narcissistic partner threaten to leave or actually leave, which is the nightmare of the partner with BPD. 

When children enter the scenario, it is normal that they suffer from a lot of grief. Either all of the children suffer or one is singled out by the parents (Weaver & Clum, 1993). Individuals with BPD see the world in black and white. Therefore someone is either all good or all bad. Therefore, they choose the child who reminds them the most of themselves for abuse, in a good or bad way (Weaver & Clum, 1993). Individuals with BPD have consistently fluctuating thoughts about themselves. One day they think that they are evil and completely bad and the next day they believe that they could do no wrong to anyone and that they are completely good. Therefore, they choose a child that reminds them of their completely bad or good side to abuse (Weaver & Clum, 1993). Sometimes they choose two children one who reminds them of their bad side and one of their good side (Weaver & Clum, 1993). Neither of these children grow up to feel good about themselves and many times end up having BPD themselves. 

Other Common Family Dynamics that Cause Borderline Personality Disorder

Not only do personality disordered parents cause their children to have BPD, but other factors such as neglect, emotional or sexual abuse, and witnessing domestic abuse cause BPD, as well. Most clinical practitioners agree that environmental influences that are related to trauma are the major factors that cause BPD (Weaver & Clum, 1993).

(Borderline Personality Disorder- Causes, Signs, Symptoms, and Treatments)

References

Weaver, T. L., & Clum, G. A. (1993). Early family environments and traumatic experiences associated with borderline                  personality disorder. Journal Of Consulting And Clinical Psychology, 61(6), 1068-1075. doi:10.1037/0022-                            006X.61.6.1068